When I thought about writing this week, what came to mind was a long list of words: #%@& and &$*#!!! and so forth. You can fill in your own letters. We are struggling, and this week seems especially difficult.
I think to myself, “OK, just breathe. Be in the moment. You’re OK. This is hard.”
It works for a minute and then I fall into my hamster wheel again. It is getting harder and harder to stay out of it. Hopelessness and powerlessness exert a powerful, almost magnetic pull. These thoughts are familiar to all of us but may be more pervasive now, and for good reason. The fear is not imagined. It is real, as are our losses.
We are weary. We continue to put one foot in front of the other, but it is draining. I see it in my grandchildren’s eyes, even from 6 feet away. Real life is becoming a memory. I watch TV shows where people touch each other in a store or ride a crowded elevator and I wonder “how can they do that” and then I remember, “oh yeah, that’s how life used to be.”
Life feels dangerous. Some of us feel the danger of getting the virus and others, giving it to someone. We may feel financial danger, or danger from losing our health insurance. We may feel danger around our mental health including thoughts of suicide or total desperation. Each of us has our own hamster wheel, fueled by hopeless and powerless thoughts.
Research says these thinking patterns are part of the normal stress response. It would be unusual if we did not slip into our hamster wheels during these truly perilous times. We have lost control of so many aspects of our lives. This is a life and death challenge, and we have no guidebook for moving forward. Without a unified, consistent strategy we’re feeling we must fend for ourselves. We want to move forward, but to do so, we must depend on each other for safety, and we have not agreed on a plan.
Angela Duckworth, who writes and speaks about “grit” says stress increases when we have to figure out how to handle a challenge like this on our own. When we band together against a common enemy, our stress levels go down.
However, even while we’re feeling unsure, disconnected, foggy, angry, hopeless and powerless we are acquiring new skills. I’m sure many of you have become experts at decontaminating groceries or measuring a six-foot span with your eyes. We are adept at fighting germs, at finding items we need or improvising substitutes. This has become routine to us. We have learned to accept the hardships and figure out ways to regain some control in an out-of-control environment. This process of acceptance and flexibility builds resilience!
Resilience is one of the most valuable of human traits. It is the trait that helps us accept adversity, find the determination to keep going, and recalculate our direction, as our GPS system does when one route is closed. We can still get there. We just need to turn right instead of left. The fact is we never had control over everything, yet we created valuable lives. There is still so much we can control in our lives. How about if we focus on that? I’m in!!